Yo! I'm Ritchie Coote, super cute and daft,
and I welcome you to Hogwarts school of Wizardry and Witchcraft.

And I’m Michel Corner, kinda pudgy and dumb,
we’re gonna tell you all about a wizard school, son.

‘Cause Hogwarts is the bomb, major school of magic,
home to Harry Potter, whose life is so tragic.

Parents killed, forehead scared, livin’ with fat Muggles,
man Voldemort gave Potter some struggles to juggle.

How d’you get to Hogwarts?

Don’t dare catch the short bus; get Hogwarts
express platform nine and three quarters.

But you’ve got to hit up the Diagon Alley. Bring your school list,
check it twice and ya dilly don’t dally.

We picked up Galleons at the Goblin bank, Gringotts,

To buy our magic sticks at Olivander’s Wand Shop

What’s inside your wand?

Some unicorn lube. What you got in yours?

A leprechaun’s pube! Oh!

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin,
drinkin’ pumpkin juice
and gin.

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, let the Harry Potter
Rap begin.

The Sorting Hat, big ass feast, Dumbledore speaks.
Nearly headless, Nick farted every student they freaked!

But startin’ school you gotsta sign up for some classes.

What you takin?

Divination, with that chick with big glasses.

I’m takin’ Potions with that douche, Professor Snape.

Didn’t he get a Dirty-Sanchez in Screech’s sex tape
I read about that crap in last week’s Daily Prophet.

Oh that Rita Skeeter, I’d skeet in her moffet.

Skeeter wrote about Hermione pumping Victor Krum.

Down by Hagrid’s hut?

No, with his Nimbus in her bum.

Oh that Hermione queefed a quaffle, whose cloud’s reek so awful. It smelled up Gryffindor common room like rotten, Greek falafel.

I heard Ronald Weasley was jealous as hell.

Dude, how’d he find out?

From the odoriferous smelled.

Hermione’s fillin’ out, but Cho Chang is hotter.

But whose done em’ both?

My man Harry Potter!

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, drinkin’ pumpkin juice
and gin.

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, let the Harry Potter
Rap begin.

I’m a Dementor, I work at Azkaban. Who likes BJ’s and has two thumbs,
that would be this guy.

Harry Potter is the man, Gryffindor’s top seeker.
He wins more matches than Reeboks makes sneakers.

Of the Qudditch pitch he catches
Snitches leaving witches in stitches teaching da’
bitches to unhitch their twitching twat itches.

Harry parked with Pansy Parkinson, he boned Susan Bones,
snap he’s the son'a bitch who makes Moaning Myrtle moan.

He got hot heads on the night bus till his cauldrons was leaky,
the chick started to mumble he said ‘Cho Changy, no speaky!’

Did he do her?

Sure did, but she must eat lots of chowder,
her Forbidden Forest was so huge he used Floo Powder.

The Dementors snuck up on Harry, they tried to de-soul him
he turned from Cho Chang and yelled ‘Expecto Patronum!’

So join us on his adventures, and grab your Marauder’s map.

Expect more magical journeys into the Harry Potter rap.

Put on your invisible cloaks, and shine up your brooms.

‘Cause there aint nothin’ better than a Hogsmeade trip on mushrooms!

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, drinkin’ pumpkin juice
and gin.

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, let the Harry Potter
Rap begin.

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, drinkin’ pumpkin juice
and gin.

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, let the Harry Potter
Rap begin.

Pour some out for Harry Potter’s parents